It has been five years since Lamar Odom split from Khloe Kardashian, but the NBA star is still thinking about how he wish he could have changed things.

He recounts his regrets in his memoir, Darkness to Light, which was excerpted in People. “I wish I could have been more of a man,” Odom, who admits that he was unfaithful to Kardashian and also hid from her his addiction to cocaine, tells People. “It still bothers me to this day. But regret is something we have to learn to live with.”

He says that while their split (the divorce was finalized in 2016) was bitter, the beginning was sweet.

“For a while, being with her was bliss and I was the happiest I’ve ever been,” Odom writes in his book. “We were one of the most famous couples in Hollywood and we made more money together than we had individually.”

But it all came crashing down, and he takes the full weight of the blame. “I could not handle the lethal cocktail of the spotlight, addiction, a diminishing career and infidelity,” he writes. “Oh, did I mention the paranoia, anxiety, depression. … I couldn’t keep my d— in my pants or the coke out of my nose. Drug addicts are incredibly skilled at hiding their habit. I’d get defensive and Khloé would just drop it.”

Kardashian stuck by him, even after their initial split, despite everything he recalls. When he was hospitalized for an overdose in 2015, she was there when he woke up.

Odom is holding out hope that he can reunite with Kardashian. “I miss the family. And I hope we can all be reacquainted one day.”

Darkness To Light drops May 28.